welcome to my perception of reailty.

today, tomorrow, and the next year.

2008-06-13T17:42:34Z

today, i'm going to hang out with him.
and you know what that means.
i know what that means.
:) :( :) :(

today, i hope i'll be able to go to sam's house. that'd be really great.
today, is the last full day of my first full year of highschool :O
tomorrow, hopefully i'll be waking up in sam's house, not my own.
i hate it there.

i'm in the school library now, i didn't want to watch batman.

and next year, i'm going to look a lot different.
i'm going to be loosing weight,
perfecting my hair,
peircing the other side of my lip,
and many more surprises.

and next year, i'm FINALLY going to find happiness; even if it kills me.

i'm a bull, your ears are a china shop :)

2008-06-06T12:00:21Z

we've only got three minutes here in spanish class, so i decided i'd give you all a run down, while the keys stick.

-still crazy
-still subtly depressed
-still fallen.
-still a calamity
-still on drugs :)

GOOOODBYE SENIORRSSS

mi gato es en fuego.

2008-05-30T12:32:11Z

i'm in spanish class, using google translater to write my spanish biography. :)
today is the last full day for all of my seniors, who i love so much.
which means in a while, there won't be any such thing as an alex, tyler, jess, and all of the others that i love in ayer high achool. i wish them luck in the real world- seriously. it must be so fucking scarey to grow up.

and someday i won't even remember why.

2008-05-29T19:14:29Z

i've got one foot in the grave, i'm sure. look at me.
i'm convinced that i can do it this way.
i'm convinced that this is perfectly fine.

if i may bring up the whole six-feet-under aspect again; i'm definitely subconsciously digging myself a beautiful grave- and as much as i want this fucking cyclone of emotions, bad choices, tears, facade, being smitten, being close, being shut-down, and being sneaky to end- I definitely don’t play on falling into this self-made grave anytime soon.

Standing at the beginning of the rest of my life- I have no idea where I’m going, what I’m doing and how I’m going to do what I don’t even know that I’m going to do.

in other news, and in spite of myself- i hate my father.
today, he told me that apparently i take playing the guitar way too seriously, and play it way too much. he told me that music was fake, and then he told me that music was not reality.
i proceeded to answer with a tearful bunch of words (I’m paraphrasing) like this:
“it may not be important, or reality, to you…but to me, it is. music is as real to me as any person coming up to me and speaking plain english to me. i hear the music that same way you hear the conversations. I hate you, go die in a fire" =)

enjoy your thursday, everyone.

happiness is a warm....cat with 16 toes.

2008-05-24T19:06:24Z

today i'm at my grandparents house. memorial day cookout.
soooo- since i haven't built up any intellect for you today, here's my life in picture form.

here's an interesting creature i happened to meet in my travels, in new jersey. i forget his name, but that's not important.
he was very friendly, and he happened to have a very strange mutiny. extra toes!

this is one of my very appreciated friends, drummer. he and i spend our nights conversing about clubs and drugs through text messages, and i defintitely tell him too much. drum is my very good friend :)

i sat in the bushes with my new camera for hours, trying to capute the majesty and prestige of this natural wonder.
here you have it folks; a heated battle between a unicorn and a dolphin wizard. :O keep in mind that this went on before my very eyes

hello hello.

2008-05-23T12:02:33Z

I haven't updated in a while, seeing as i've been a little preoccupied with my calamity of a life.
i'm going insane; crazy.
alex told me last night, that nothing was real.
and that i wasn't insane.
and this, made me feel more out of control.

and i'm really starting to grow on him. i'm falling.
his warmth, and protection are crashing all over me.
he's too kind to me for my own good.
i'm so attached already
but i simply cannot break it off.

i'm loosing weight.
and i'm going to loose so much more.
and i smoke so much pot.
and my parents found out.
but i don't care.

and my life is a complete disaster.
but alex told me that nothing was real
so i'm going to go with that for a little while.

PEACE.

i'm free.

2008-05-09T19:09:01Z

i'm offically free, from now, until tomorrow. my mother never even asked for a number, or anything AND i have ten dollars in which will definitley go towards a nice pack of ciggarettes that'll be my salvation for the week mixed with some sex and pot. yes; i'm going to another crazy cj party. and this time there will be NOOO sneaking out and sneaking in, and i actually get to sleep a little. :D

today was actually really weird. i felt...nonexistant. seriously, i just floated through school; thinking about how every step i take only brings me further and deeper into my life; and i have no idea where i'm going.
i've decided i want to lay my life ontop of drugs, and sex and partying for a while, so that i won't have to worry about being a real person; because i've come to know being a real person as quite a chore, and i'm feeling a little lazy. :D

somebody save the day already...

2008-05-09T00:57:52Z

it's official. my life is a complete and utter calamity. i am officially clinically insane. i am officially miserable. i'm confused about everything i seem to encounter. my personal integrity is completely nonexistent. i'm absolutely listless these days, and i have NO idea what i'm going to do.

soooo; run down anyone?

-THE GOOD-

-i lost ten pounds. so i added another ten because that went so quick. thirty more to go until i'm skinny.

-i have a new fuck-buddy

-i'm almost over ken.

-bamboozle was amazing. warped will be amazing. cute will be amazing.

-THE BAD-

- my bestfriend is loosing her mind; she blows up at me over everything and then immediately apologizes...i'm worried? she tells me she can't help it. she tells me she's sick, and needs a doctor...

- my ex-boyfriend and i are at each other's throats.

- i have a new fuck-buddy; and even though i told him i wouldn't; my heart is enforcing otherwise.

- i'm fat. i'm fat. i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat i'm fat.

- i need a job.

- i need a new guitar.

- i need time.

- i have no time.

-THE UGLY-

-me

FSDFHSDJFHSDJFHJSDFHSDFHSDJFHSDJFHSDRHYWEUIRYWEUIRY

kill me now.

p.s-
there are aliens in my stomach.

when did i join the circus?

2008-05-06T13:36:21Z

i'm juggling the idea of having an official crush on this kid around like tomatoes. jfkghdfkjghjdfkgh
why is it that i always inevitably find loopholes in every single loveinterest i seem to strive to maintain?
i need to go tanning. i need to loose thirty pounds. i need to get a job. i need to whiten my teeth...the list goes on and on. by june fifth; i'll hang myself if i back out of this. hypothetically of course. :D
let's hope my mother lets me go today...

now for the complain-rant of the day (as if i wasn't complaining above...)
every weekend brings not seeing him for two wonderful days- not talking to him brings not thinking about him which leads me to believe that i am completely over him. unfortunately, i wake up every weekday morning with him in mind, and i go that extra mile just to look a little better, in hopes that he might consider the fact that he's missing out. when i see him, my eyes seem to form a mind of their own, and the condition of starring gets to the point where i literately feel myself RIPPING them away.
he comes up to me, and talks to me as if we've always been friends. as if he's gone through the trouble of erasing us from his very memory. i admit, it hurts to see that he remains unchanged from the breakup, and the relationship itself, but i digress.

june fifth i'll be hunting once again :D

until next time, my friends.

hoteling with william beckett.

2008-05-05T20:20:47Z

well, i went to new jersey for bamboozle, and i had the time of my life.
i met everyone i wanted to meet (other then mr. ross, but let's just say; no body else did either AND, i was within kicking, pulling, punching, and stabbing distance of the mummy in which he puts his dick every night.)
sooo, whatever.
i had front row spots to panic, too. and tai.

annnd, we stayed in the same hotel as the academy is, and hung out with them and stuff. it was pretty neat. :D

the whole trip kind of lifted my spirits, i guess. i'm a lot better; and i'm assuming i can get better than the gingah, so i'll be on the prowel, i guess.

oh; and for the record i am extremely unhappy with the way i look (what else is new?)
soooo; i've decided i'm going on a for real diet. and i want to loose like thirty pounds. not too hard, right?
i just need to stop eating food.
food being carbs.
and start eating shit.
shit being...not carbs. :)

i want to be hot, so that maybe i can land myself a decent guy.
sdhasjdhjasdhajskjh
=( i do miss him, though.
whatever; i'm one hundred percent concious that i am well on my way to getting him out of my head for good.

breaking hearts has never looked so cool...

2008-05-01T23:07:52Z

from former posts one could only assume we were on the rocks; but i thought (maybe subconsciously) that'd we'd just work things out...you know?
yeah; i am implying that we broke up. and yes, i'm heart broken. i'm not going to sit here and tell you about these feelings that my poor body has to oh-so-involuntarily play host to; only because words could not be put to them, even if i tried. it's not like i'm as miserable as miserable can come; but i might just consider myself a certain degree of miserable.
AS YOU CAN SEE;
EDIT EDIT EDIT DELETE DELETE DELETE EDIT EDIT EDIT.
THIS
WAS
GAAAY

Of course, this feeling only comes around once in a while. Only when the memories that this stupid fire crotch has given me are flashing through my head, does the nameless feeling surround me.
but i'm sure that in good time; it'll be over. i'll be over it.
all in good time.

Let's call this strike two.

2008-04-24T18:16:38Z

It's not like i'm trying to spit this out, so we'll cross that off the "excuses" list. For lack of better words, i don't know what to do. I'm sitting right at the edge of that hypothetical crossroad. Path one is what i want. Path two is what i think is right.
Path one consists of smoking pot and ciggs whenever permitted, shop lifting rather then paying, and maintaining a sex life. Path two is a little more reasonable. Pot is fine on path two. Pot will always be fine. Cigarettes are prohibited, on path two. On path two, you CAN and WILL get addicted. You WILL get caught stealing, on path two. On path two, it's inevitable, so might at well stop now. On path two, two fifteen year old KIDS aren't emotionally mature enough to maintain a sex life...especially if they aren't going to use condemns. :l

what path am i going down? Oh definitely one. What path should i be going down? Whichever i please. seriously, it's my life. whatever makes me happy; goes. The trouble is...path two is seriously always there...eating away at my sad excuse for an absent conscience.

four twenty was fine. ken came over. and we fucked. no condemn. and ky's mad. and i'm mad. and i couldn't help it. and i'm stupid.
i'm going to the mall today to steal stuff, for the third day in a row. :D it's so much fun

eegads.

2008-04-20T17:23:38Z

todays been no better then the rest. i'm thinking about it. i'm thinking about how my life would be a mess if i did. i'm thinking about i need to before he does. i'm thinking about how unhappy he makes me. i'm thinking about how happy he makes me. i'm thinking about how he's seemed like the one, at times. and i'm thinking i may have lost my mind.

happy four:twenty everyone. i hope you're all getting blazed. i know i'll be. :D

story time? i think so.
so yesterday ky and i spent the entire day in shirley viliage, tromping about; trying to find tin-foil so we could smoke some kb that we had. and we met this kid named matt (he was pretty cute) and we all decided to go on a nice indever to find tin-foil. so we got to the trailor park, and matt asked this guy if he had any tin-foil, and he said something along the lines of "if you need a bowl, we have a nice one you can buy. it's got great remints." and so long story short- matt bartered his bike for the fifty dollar bowl, and we smoked up at the park and had a great time :D

today

2008-04-19T17:31:12Z

today is a "kens-a-real-douche" day.
i hate these days.
on these days, i try to smash guitars, and i feel like breaking my cellphone, breaking up with him, and breaking my own heart.
on these days, i feel so inadequate...so completely ignored and useless; well let's just stick to that simple and very plausible fact of the matter that it's not such a good feeling.
today, he tells me that all of the plans to hang out unsupervised i've been ever so excited about need to be re-thought. i guess he wants to work, instead. some vacation, man. i wouldn't be two inches over surprised if i don't see his face all vacation.
OH- and when we're on the phone; and he just sits there and after twenty minutes (on his good days) he makes up some lame excuse such as "oh; i have to sleep." orrr "you seem busy" and if the b-side follow-up happens to be "no, i'm not" he'll just say "oh; well i'm going to sleep..."

today- i really considered ending it.
tomorrow...well, i just don't know man.

ken bevington.

2008-04-17T21:28:58Z

so, i have this boyfriend. his name is ken, and i love him so much. i seriously do. ...i'm pretty sure, actually.
like, sometimes he's perfect. fucking perfect. and sometimes he's not. sometimes he kind of ignores me. =/ sometimes he (maybe subconciously) flirts with other girls and shit. fat ugly middle school girls. sometimes i feel like i need to impress him...=/

but sometimes he's amazing. sometimes he looks amazing. sometimes he says the greatest things to me. sometimes he knows exactly what to do. :D sometimes he says the perfect thing at the perfect time. sometimes i'm convinced i'm head over heals.

sometimes he forgets to call. sometimes he's an idiot. sometimes he's annoying. sometimes he's a douche bag. sometimes he's a jerk. sometimes he IGNORES me. sometimes he just walks off. >:( sometimes i doubt weither he really loves me, or if he's just using me.

sometimes i think that in a four by four closet, high and drunk, without a condom wasn't exactly how i pictured loosing my virginity.
sometimes i get scared. sometimes i pray that i don't have any STDs. sometimes i'm really happy i get to be with ken this way. sometimes i can't wait to fuck him. sometimes i don't feel like giving him head. sometimes i love it.

all in all, ken is a pretty great boyfriend. i love him, and i know if i ever lost him i'd die. i need to start appreciating him more.

i'm bad.

2008-04-16T23:40:50Z

I'm fifteen. keep this in mind. it's dawned on me lately, that i'm fifteen- and i'm bad. aren't i suppose to be imbracing innocence? whatever. i guess innocence isn't fun.
i love reefer. i love smoking it. i love being high...it's hilarious. i love the way it tastes, and i love the way it burns your mouth and throat, and i love sneaking around with it, and when i'm not smoking pot, i want to be.
i love sex. i love having it. i love being loved...it's hilarious. i love the way it feels, and i love the way it burns the first time you do it, and i love sneaking around about it, and when i'm not having sex, i want to be.
i love sneaking out of ky's house at night to go to parties to smoke ganj, and have sex. i love sneaking the boys in at night to smoke pot and have sex.

i love it. :D i'm so bad.